respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
