I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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