He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
