"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
