I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
