I looked at my own cervix.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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