I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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