His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
