but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
