My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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