I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
