I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
