I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
