I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize