i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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