look no pants
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
