dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
