I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
