so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
