in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
