No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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