I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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