i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
