I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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