honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
