You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
