Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
