If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
