Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
