Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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