Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
