I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
