when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
