he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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