Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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