I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
FUCK WHALES
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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