Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
