If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
should my penis look like a turkey
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
