my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
