So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dick very happy bro
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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