I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We need a shit load of segways right now
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize