I'm really into asian looking animals
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
