He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
