So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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