I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
soo... how was my night?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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