I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
