morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
