I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
