Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Watching her eat just hurts me
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
