note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
