The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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