Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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