he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Randomize
