There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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