Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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