I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
how drunk are you?
Several
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
